Lost in Tokyo

Let our scars fall in love

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us.

But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong… because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness.

And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems- the ones that make you truly who you are- that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate.

Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for.

You’re looking for the wrong person.

But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person- someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, this is the problem I want to have.

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.”

 

-Galway Kinnel

i once dated a writer

I Once Dated A Writer and

Writers are forgetful,
but they remember everything.
They forget appointments and anniversaries,
but remember what you wore,
how you smelled,
on your first date…
They remember every story you’ve ever told them –
like ever,
but forget what you’ve just said.
They don’t remember to water the plants
or take out the trash,
but they don’t forget how
to make you laugh.
.
Writers are forgetful
because
they’re busy
remembering
the important things.

from : http://ofheightsandhollows.tumblr.com/post/26533481891/i-once-dated-a-writer-and

looking for a period.

Let me say this straight and let me say it clear, I am looking for a period and not a comma. I am looking for a period because I need a period not a series of commas that result to a confusing compounded sentence full of thoughts but empty of meaning.

I need you to be clear. I want you to be lucid. It does not matter whether you will kiss me or slap me. What I am just asking is that when you do choose to kiss me, I want that kiss to be wet, intrusive, and eternal. I want that kiss to be so honest that the moment my lips meet yours, our tongues would just intertwined with one another, melting into one long connection between who you are and what I am.

But if you do happen to choose to slap me, I want that slap to sting, to mark, to reverberate. I want that slap to be so hard that it would make my head turn sideways, leaving no doubt about your intentions and leaving me with no doubt about my pain.

I need you to give me certainty. It does not matter what kind, as long as it is definite and immovable. I need to be certain of where you will leave me or if you do choose, where you will start the journey with me. I need you to give me that period because that will be my compass that will help me find my way to where I am meant to be. Whether it is with you or without you, it does not matter. I just need to keep on moving, to go on with my life, to progress. I need a new chapter. I need that period.

repost: ayokong magka lab-layf

ayokong maglablayf kase ayokong napupuyat. ayokong nawawalan ng pagkakataon makatulog dahil palagi kayo magkasama pero wala naman kayo ginagawa.

ayokong nawawalan ng oras mag gym kasi yayayain ka nya  na manood na lang ng sine o kumain o mamasyal o kumain o magkape o kumain. ayokong tumaba.

ayokong nauubusan ng pera kasi palagi kayong may date. palagi kayong lumalabas. kailangan may regalo pag monthsary, anniversary, valentines, birthday. ilang sapatos at pantalon rin sana mabibili ko dun sa pera na pinanlalabas namin.

ayokong palaging absent sa picture pag may event ang barakada o ang pamilya kasi palaging busy sa kanya.  ayokong nawawala na lang bigla sa mga plano at di mahagilap ng mga kaibigan kasi nag-aadik sa isang tao. ayoko yung kelangan pa silang suyuin ulit at mag sorry na naging out of touch para lang may kainuman pag nag break kayo ng kinaadikan mo.

ayoko ang feeling na may naka-attach sa akin na heart monitor at kailangan ko itext kung ano ginagawa ko, asan ako, kamusta ako, sino kasama ko, kumain na ba ako at kung anu-ano pa on a regular basis. ayokong tumira sa big brother house.

ayokong palaging may consultation. saan tayo pupunta? ano gagawin natin? maganda ba to? bagay ba? san tayo kakain? ayokong palaging iconsider ang gusto nya at ibalance yun sa gusto ko para masabi na we compromise.

ayokong magkalablayf kase ayokong kabahan na baka matapos na agad. na baka ayaw na nya. na baka masanay ako sa mga gusto nya kainin, puntahan, panoorin, sa sleeping habits nya, sa mga trip nya, na kapag nawala sya yun pa rin ang gagawin ko, kakainin ko, pupuntahan ko- yun nga lang ako na lang mag-isa.

ayokong magkalablayf kase ayokong mag-invest ng oras, ng panahon, ng pera, ng tiwala, ng pag-asa sa isang bagay na maari din naman mawala.

at higit sa lahat, ayokong magkalablayf kase ang pangit naman tignan kung gustong-gusto kong maglablayf pero wala pa rin hanggan ngayon. mas ok na yung ayoko at least pag may nagtanong kung bakit wala akong kahawak ng kamay,  sasabihin ko ‘eh ayaw ko eh’. single na nga ako, mawawalan pa ko ng self-esteem sa inability ko na magkalablayf. wag na uy. ayaw ko naman talaga eh. ayaw ko. ayaw ko. ayaw ko. pramis.

Variation on the word Sleep

-Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and as you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

you learn.

-Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn…
With every good bye you learn.

version 2

I asked you:

‘what do you want to drink?’

You answered,

‘anything that you have’.

So I gave you ambivalence mixed with doubts,

On the rocks.

my mom is a paranoid freak

mom: bumili ka nga ng pito (whistle)

me: ha? at bakit?

mom: eh  malay mo lumindol dito

me: oh eh ano gagawin mo sa pito?

mom: eh kung matabunan tayo? para sisipol na lang tayo para marinig tayo

me: ………………..

replay: si nanay (hindi ito based sa mga tunay na pangyayari. promise)

Nilitanya ni nanay kanina ang mga perwisyo sa kanyang buhay. Nakuha ko ang ika-apat na pwesto, pagkatapos ni aling inday na aming labandera na nasa ikatlo, ang palaging nasisira na telepono sa ikalawa, at si tatay na nakuha ang pinakamataas na parangal. Hindi na ako umasa na mananalo sa listahan dahil alam ko naman na runaway winner na si tatay, no contest kumbaga. Perfect 10! Knockout! Sure win!

Bakit ba naman siya matatalo eh multiple title holder na siya. Lasenggero, sabungero, sugalero, babaero, gago, tarantado, loko-loko, at kung ano pang nagtatapos sa o. Yan eh according sa nanay ko na medyo nagiging bias kapag naghihimay ng toge na iluluto. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron sa mga toge na sa tuwing uupo siya upang himayin ay bigla na lang siyang maglalabas ng kanyang mga sama ng loob. Para bang sa bawat paghimay ng toge ay hinihimay na rin niya ang kanyang saloobin sa buhay. Mabuti kamo at minsan sa isang buwan lang kami mag-ulam ng toge sa bahay.

Kadalasan kasi ay nagpapaksiw lang siya ng bangus o ng kanduli o ng ayungin o kung ano man ang pwedeng ipaksiw. Favourite kasi ng aso namin ang paksiw. Ayoko ng paksiw. Ergo, hindi ako ang favourite ni nanay. Matagal ko rin pinag-isipan kung bakit hindi ako ang favourite considering na ako lang naman ang anak niya, hanggang sa hindi na kinaya ng utak ko at tinanong ko na lang siya kung bakit mas pinili niya ang aso, hindi siya sumagot at sa halip ay kinuha niya ang isang supot ng toge mula sa ref. Mabilis akong umalis sa paningin niya. Mahirap na.