Archive for March, 2010

limbo

Posted in tales on March 30, 2010 by armedlittleboy

i woke up with a start. there was blackness everywhere. totally black. the lights from the street that usually seep through my bedroom are nowhere to be found. there was no moon, no stars. there was nothing except the blackness. at first i thought i was just dreaming, so i fluttered my eyelids. i blinked repeatedly. then i curled my fingers. i moved my legs. i touched my face. i am awake. i am sure of it. i am awake in the middle of this blackness. this blackness so black, so thorough, it seems like a solid mass of black matter that can be sliced into pieces and served like pies.
still lying, i turned my head to the right, i stared up, i faced my left. all black. if not for the pillows and the blanket against me and the weight of my body on the bed, i would have thought i am floating in a sea of nothingness. at a loss, i called out “hello?”. nothing. i called out again this time drawing out each syllable “heeeee-llooooooooo?” still nothing. its just me and the blackness. i raised myself up partially. at a loss of what to do i remained half sitting, half-lying on my bed for several minutes, or hours maybe, i am not sure. time seems to have been pushed out of existence to make space for all this blackness.
then suddenly, right in front of me, a whooshing sound is emitted and a circular hole the size of a coin opened up. this nothingness, this blackness, has opened its mouth, a hole so black that it rendered the surrounding blackness into dawn. slowly, the hole started rotating. with each rotation, it became bigger and bigger until it became the size of my head.
unable to control myself, i peered into the hole but i could not see anything. there is only nothing and no more. not knowing why, i put my head into the hole to get a better glimpse of nothing and all at once a great and terrifying force started sucking my head into the hole. taken by surprise, i could not do anything but grasped at the edges of the hole as my head gets sucked into its depths. i could feel the skin of my face being pulled away from me and my neck strain to the limit as my body tries its very best to hold unto my head. the pain was terrible. my fingers are getting numb from holding on. my body is getting weak from resisting.
i let go. and swoosh i went through its mouth. i floated into blackness. i was weightless. there was nothing. i was floating in nothing. i tried to move but all i can do is flail helplessly. tired, i let myself float while staring at the blackness. i stared at it until i had my fill. until it had filled me. until the blackness that enveloped me is inside me. and then i floated once more. i am floating into blackness, into nothingness and i am one with it.

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it is over.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 27, 2010 by armedlittleboy

i guess what i just want to say is that there were times when there was hate, but at that last moment there was just pity and a hint of care.

marami tayong napag-uusapan,
at wala tayong pinag-uusapan.

ikukuwento mo ang istorya
ng napanood mong sine
tungkol sa mga tagaibang planeta
na sumalakay sa mundo.

ipapaliwanag ko kung paano
nakukuha sa isang tungga
ang tequila sa loob ng kopitang
nakalublob sa mag ng serbesa.

marami tayong napag-uusapang
walang kabagay-bagay,
pero hindi natin painag-uusapan
ang nanunuot sa kalansay.

laman ka ng aking laman,
dugo ng aking dugo,
pero hindi mo itatanghal sa akin
ang kaibuturan ng iyong puso.

sa aking ugat nagmula ang bunga,
sa aking hingal bumuga ang hininga,
pero hindi ko ikukumpisal sa iyo
ang likaw ng aking bituka.

wala kang ibinubulong,
at wala akong itatanong.
hindi ako nagbubunyag,
at hindi ka nag-uungkat.

iisa ang hilata
ng ating buto-buto,

pero ang liham mo ay lihim mo,
hindi mo ipapabasa sa akin,
at ang luha ko ay luho ko,
hindi ko ipapaligo sa iyo.

gayunman, alam ko
na kung ako’y plastado na
sa tequila at serbesa,
nakahanda kang magmaneho,

at dapat mong malaman
na kapag dumating ang mga tagaibang planeta,
magdadaan sila sa ibabaw ng aking bangkay
bago ka nila maagaw.

– Jose F. Lacaba

eulogy

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2010 by armedlittleboy

the desk is clean from clutter. no misplaced papers, no stray pens, no post-its hanging around just in case a note needed writing. with the bright fluorescent lights, the white desk looks like a cafeteria table in a canteen’s dead hours. a mute witness to the empty minutes tiptoeing quietly down the carpeted hallway. soon, really soon, i will be gone from here. i opened my mobile drawer and took out the box of nostalgia. like a canister of danish cookies, the box has different compartments for the differently shaped memories of my stay. one by one i took out the memories gingerly by my fingers and i held it out to the light. i must look like a jeweler, i thought, assessing a ring or a stone, determining its karat, measuring its weight, figuring out its value. after a few minutes, i gave up and replaced the memories into the box. i don’t think they can be measured. not right now anyway. memories are meant to settle, to ferment, to age, before anyone can appreciate their true value.

my boss passed by my desk and asked me a few things. she said she wont be in the office tomorrow, my last day. i said i will be back next week to accomplish my clearance. i don’t have anything to do yet anyway by then. its weird how we tiptoe around goodbyes. encircling it like its a dangerous animal on an attack mode. drawing it out to its last breath. like a paintbrush that has ran out of paint in the middle of a stroke. we do not want abrupt halts. we want to assure one another that we will see each other again. i will be here next week, let us have coffee from time to time, i will drop by soon. the list goes on and on. i wonder whether ending it right then and there is much less stressful than carrying around a flickering flame of expectation for some period of time until reality blows it away.

before i left for the day, i took out my planners. one was the planner for last year. a whole year. imagine that. sometimes we lose track of the incredible amount of time we spend inside an office. doing things for the sake of being able to pay the bills. i am holding a full one year of my life in my hands right now. i dare not open it for fear of realizing what i have spent it for. i stashed it quickly in my bag. walking down the hallway i suddenly feel the desire to stay. another weird thing. but its not over anyway. i will wait for tomorrow.

Take 2 for my favorite book

Posted in Uncategorized on March 23, 2010 by armedlittleboy

“Perhaps, in the extravagance of youth, we give away our devotions easily and all but arbitrarily, on the mistaken assumption that we’ll always have more to give.”

“There is just this for consolation: an hour here or there, when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we’ve ever imagined , though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) knows these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still, we cherish the city, the morning, we hope, more than anything, for more. Heaven only knows why we love it so.”

“We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep. It’s as simple and ordinary as that. A few jump out windows, or drown themselves, or take pills; more die by accident; and most of us are slowly devoured by some disease, or, if we’re very fortunate, by time itself. There’s just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we’ve ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) know these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still, we cherish the city, the morning, we hope, more than anything for more. Heaven only knows why we love it so…There she is with another hour before her.”

“We’d hoped vaguely to fall in love but hadn’t worried much about it, because we’d thought we had all the time in the world. Love had seemed so final and so dull — love was what ruined our parents. Love had delivered them to a life of mortgage payments and household
repairs; to unglamorous jobs and the flourescent aisles of a supermarket at two in the afternoon. We’d hoped for love of a different kind, love that knew and forgave our human frailty but did not miniaturize our grander ideas of ourselves. It sounded possible. If we didn’t rush or grab, if we didn’t panic, a love both challenging and nurturing might appear. If the person was imaginable, then the person could exist.”

-The Hours, Micheal Cunningham

for some enlightenment

Posted in Uncategorized on March 23, 2010 by armedlittleboy

For other stories: http://storyofstuff.org

Bawat Butil ng Palay

Posted in Uncategorized on March 22, 2010 by armedlittleboy

bawat butil ng palay ay butil ng pawis
ng bawat aliping aping magbubukid
bawat butil ng palay ay butil ng luha
ng kayraming inang natali sa lupa

bawat butil ng palay ay butil ng dugo
kalansay at bungo ng ating ninuno
butil ng pawis ng luha at dugo
butil ng palay, butil ng ginto

bawat butil ng palay ay sanggol na walang malay
hindi pa man isinilang, nakasanla na ang buhay
bawat butil ng palay ay isang magsasaka
nakasuga sa lupa ang kanyang hininga

bawat butil ng palay ay butil ng buhay
butil ng pag-asang sumibol sa parang
bawat butil ng palay ay isang magbubukid
nagbibigay buhay sa buong daigdig

bawat butil ng pawis ng luha at dugo
butil ng palay butil ng ginto

-Unknown

one questions

Posted in Uncategorized on March 21, 2010 by armedlittleboy

1. Aquino- Do you still blame the farmers for supposedly instigating the violent dispersal in Hacienda Luisita last November 16, 2004 where 7 farmers were killed, 200 injured, and more than 120 arrested?

2. Teodoro- Why did you not attempt to dismantle the private army of the Ampatuans (rather than advise Mangundadatu not to continue his plan to run for governor) when you already know way before the Maguindanao massacre happened, that the Ampatuans have already threatened to resort to violence?

3. Villar- What is the c5 controversy all about?

4. Gordon- Do you still believe that the minimum wage law should be abolished and that employers be given the freedom to determine how much they will pay their employees?

5. Villanueva- How can you separate religion from governance?

6. Estrada- Why do you really want to run again?

7. Madrigal- Are you straight?

8. delos Reyes- Who are you?

9. Perlas- Who are you too?