i remember this one class i took during college where the professor had the habit of giving quizzes every meeting (twice a week). he would give a single question about the theory of the day and we would have to answer it essay style for a few minutes. try as i might, i never did pass a single quiz on that subject. the highest i got was 5 over 10, missing the passing grade by a single point. most of the time i harvested 2s and 3s and some occasional 4s.
the weird thing is that i really studied before every meeting for that subject but it never really did much good. i remember one of my classmate, out of frustration blurted that he would just stop studying for that subject since it never really did make any difference. prepared or not, he always fail anyway. so why bother.
i never did follow his example. meetings after meetings, week after week, i read theories after theories and failed exams after exams. i did not waver. i read those damn articles. i did try my best.
sometimes its not really the result that is important, most of the time its the effort that matters. years after i learned the value of those numerous nights of readings and the countless days of failing. years after, outside of the classroom, against the certainty of failure, i pushed on. i never did learn those theories but i learned the value of perseverance.
so to you, i apologize for failing your ‘quizzes’. every time that i am with you, i always disappoint. but i am persevering. i am trying. i really am. this is my best but im trying to get better. its not easy. but nothing of value is easy. i just hope, and i am working really hard for it, that someday i will meet you and i will pass. no cross marks. no prolonged silences. no exchanges of resentments.
there will just be you. me. and your smile.