‘It’s not a breeding ground for romance. It’s love as a verb. Love that will make you more patient, more loyal, and stronger.’

- Emily Giffin

that condom manufacturer sure knows what is important in any relationship (naked or otherwise),

trust.

who would enjoy sex when worries of pregnancy, stds, or the likes are screaming in your head?

you need to trust that accidents would not happen. that potential infections are kept at bay.

that one’s dick is safely cocooned in protective rubber.

its trusting that nothing will happen except bliss. pure bliss.

its really about trust. whether in bed or in love.

after all, is it even possible to love a person you do not trust?

is it even possible to lose yourself over someone when fears and doubts are tugging at you all night?

is it even possible to be happy with another person when thoughts of betrayal, cheating, and lies distract?

gandhi said that love is the prerogative of the brave,

and i believe him.

it takes great courage to jump off that cliff and trust that your love will be waiting to catch you as you fall down.

only the brave can trust despite past experiences that hurt, wounded, and disillusioned them.

only the brave can expose themselves again and again to possible pain amidst the numerous scars that they have earned.

only the brave can say ‘yes, i love you and i will always love you even if love has not been good to me in the past’

only the brave can love.

Ilang beses ko na rin nasagot ang tanong na ‘what is love?’ mula sa di mabilang na slam books na dumaan sa aking buhay, mga walang katapusang usisaan ng mga kaibigan, at sa mga exams ng mga professors na tinamad mag-isip ng bagong bonus questions na itatanong.

At sa di mabilang na pagkakataon ng aking pagsagot ay ang ilang beses na pagbabago ng aking isinasagot.

Grade 2: Love is blind

Grade 5: Love is what makes the world go round

Grade 6: Love conquers all

High school: Love is giving 100% without expecting anything in return

College: Ang pag-ibig ay ang paglilingkod sa sambayanan

7 years ago: Anung pag-ibig? Meron bang ganun?

Ngayon:

Love is staying. Love is being free to go but choosing to stay, and being happy about it. It is getting drenched in the rain, wading in knee-deep flood water, sleeping with a sunflower beside you and waking up early to buy yellow roses.

It is to commit, to understand, and to accept. Love is not blind. It sees all the imperfections and says ‘so what?’. Love is all about hugging tightly. Love is giving but it also means the willingness to accept. To accept mood swings, tantrums, and the occasional rifts. It’s about a dazzling smile.

Love is calm, the storm, and the calm after the storm. It’s the laughter, it’s the tears. It’s going back when everybody else will run away. It’s saying, ‘it’s all right, it’s okay, I am here because you are you’.

Love is not about not getting angry. Love is being angry but still staying. Love is stronger than anger. It’s bigger than all the imperfections summed together. Love is strong. It’s resilience. It’s a survivor.

Love is a sunflower. It’s elmo. It’s sunshine. It’s you.

Medyo humaba ang definition ko ng Love. So in short at para bumagay sa popular one-liner definitions ng Love, summarize ko na lang. Love is you.

ever had that feeling of being stuck? of having no options left but to stay, sit, and be still? of having things happen around you while you sit there immobile and helpless?

well im having one right now.

the year is about to end and it seems its not just the year that is ending.

its ironic that for every accomplishments that one makes transform into added baggage that one has to drag wherever one seeks to go.

i miss that time during college when i have finally submitted the last requirement for my graduation, the thesis. i felt a lightening inside of me as the final obligation has been fulfilled. no more tasks to do, no more sleepless nights, no more cramming, no more shoulds.

it feels as if life is wide open right in front of me and i can go everywhere i choose. like a newly discovered continent, life seems to be full of adventure and promise. i can go anywhere, i can do anything.

fast forward a few years and it seems that from that wide open space, i have boxed myself into a corner. fenced myself with the experiences i have obtained and leashed my future to the skills that i have learned.

suddenly, it feels as if the things that i can do are only those things that i know how to do.

and disturbingly i keep catching myself limiting myself. as i glance through the classifieds, as i try to map my life, as i make plans, the boundaries inside my head start to emerge and i find myself entering the cage, closing the door behind me, and locking it. tight.

life has become a one-way, single-lane street.

it feels that i need super human powers to break away from this cage despite the expectations and the obligations.

i am stuck. i sat on a pathetic gum. and i cant fucking move.

once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it “chops”
because that was the name of his dog
and that’s what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
that was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of Xs
and he had to ask his father what the Xs meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it

once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it “Autumn”
because that was the name of the season
and that’s what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
and that’s what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year that Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
and at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
because that’s what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think
he could reach the kitchen.

- Stephen Chbosky

i remember this one class i took during college where the professor had the habit of giving quizzes every meeting (twice a week). he would give a single question about the theory of the day and we would have to answer it essay style for a few minutes. try as i might, i never did pass a single quiz on that subject. the highest i got was 5 over 10, missing the passing grade by a single point. most of the time i harvested 2s and 3s and some occasional 4s.

the weird thing is that i really studied before every meeting for that subject but it never really did much good. i remember one of my classmate, out of frustration blurted that he would just stop studying for that subject since it never really did make any difference. prepared or not, he always fail anyway. so why bother.

i never did follow his example. meetings after meetings, week after week, i read theories after theories and failed exams after exams. i did not waver. i read those damn articles. i did try my best.

sometimes its not really the result that is important, most of the time its the effort that matters. years after i learned the value of those numerous nights of readings and the countless days of failing. years after, outside of the classroom, against the certainty of failure, i pushed on. i never did learn those theories but i learned the value of perseverance.

so to you, i apologize for failing your ‘quizzes’. every time that i am with you, i always disappoint. but i am persevering. i am trying. i really am. this is my best but im trying to get better. its not easy. but nothing of value is easy. i just hope, and i am working really hard for it, that someday i will meet you and i will pass. no cross marks. no prolonged silences. no exchanges of resentments.

there will just be you. me. and your smile.

“I don’t have any formula for ousting a dictator or building democracy. All I can suggest is to forget about yourself and just think of your people. It’s always the people who make things happen.”

“I am not embarrassed to tell you that I believe in miracles.

“I’ve reached a point in life where it’s no longer necessary to try to impress. If they like me the way I am, that’s good. If they don’t, that’s too bad.”

“Reconciliation should be accompanied by justice, otherwise it will not last. While we all hope for peace it shouldn’t be peace at any cost but peace based on principle, on justice.”

“One must be frank to be relevant.”

“The nation was awakened by that deafening shot.”

“First, I believe in the truth. Second, I believe in democracy. This brings me to my third point. I believe that in any democracy a public office is a public trust, and none more so than the presidency.”

i love roller coasters. sometimes.

it gives a thrill like no other ride can give. its ups. its downs. its 360 turns.the corkscrews.

it makes me scream. it makes me laugh. it makes my heart pound.

its exhilirating.

but i can only take several seconds of it. barely more than a minute.

then i want to get off.

i cant spend my whole life in a roller coaster.

its not conducive for holding  hands. for hugging. for making plans about the future, together.

all i can do is scream. and anticipate the next turn.

excitement after excitement after excitement. on the same tracks. over and over again.

remember the pond with big pedal boats in the shape of a swan?

it has pedals for two people to be used to navigate the swan.

i have never ridden on a swan.

it seems boring. tiring. pointless.

but come to think of it, it goes somewhere at least.

still within the pond yes, but still somewhere.

and one has all the time (while pedaling) to hold hands. to hug.

to look in eyes that hope for more.

(note: work of fiction)

when every relationship you enter into always succeeds in failing

one cannot help thinking: is it me that has a problem?

if im going to string a bean for every attempt at a happy lovelife, i would already have made a bunch of rosaries,

prayer beads for the desperate.

i would like to think that im getting better after every failures,

that im learning a lesson from each fall, and rising up to become a better partner.

that i am more patient,

i am more understanding,

i am more willing to exert more effort to making it work.

but somehow, it doesnt seem to be the case.

there is always a snag, an imperfection.

yes i am patient, but i am not sweet.

yes i am understanding, but i do not have enough time.

i am like a child of a perfectionist parent.  i will never live up to the gold standard.

i am the factory defect, always getting pulled from the assembly line.

there is always something wrong.

but then maybe not.

maybe there is nothing that i need to change about me.

like a good pair of shoes,

i cannot be worn with just any kind of clothes,

i only match with certain outfits that one wears only in certain situations.

when flying a kite and eating popsicles.

while picking daisies on a hill.

during full moon nights with Fur Elise playing in the background.

i am a shoe that is waiting for the perfect feet.

for the right clothes.

for the right context.

and when these come.

i will be a smashing hit.

mom’s recent purchase:

mom's slingshot

me: bakit may tirador dito?

mom: binili ko

me: saan mo naman gagamitin?

mom: dun sa mga pusa. kaya nga di ko tinatapon mga buto ng sampaloc.

me: (speechless)