starlight

These past few weeks I kept catching myself wishing upon stars. Craning my neck, I look up and utter the same wish again and again, night after night. It’s becoming a habit. I do not want to lose you. And I am doing everything I can for you not to leave me, even if it means that I have to believe in the power of the stars.

Sometimes I am lucky, when there is just a single star and I can utter that phrase that kids know by heart and really believe that my wish will come true. But most of the time an irritatingly multitude of them is splattered across the night and I have to do some cheating, pretending that all I see is a single star, I fix my gaze upon it and utter my wish brazenly, ignoring the fact that the only one I’m fooling is myself.

So sue me. I don’t care. I just want to have you by my side forever, that is all that matter. People die for far more trivial things. And what we have is not trivial. It’s far from trivial. It’s our future. And if it means that I have to conjure every magical belief to sustain what we have, then I will. I will blow that birthday candle, I will hold my breathe every time I cross a new bridge, I will complete the Simbang gabi, I will search for the four-leaf clover, and of course, I will continue barraging the stars until the light they are emitting at this very moment, a million of light years away, will finally fall upon us and on our hands that are tightly entwined together.

sunflower

with a quarter of the water left, i put the sunflower in the mineral water bottle and placed it by my bedside. i lay on the bed and stared at it, willing for it to talk. the wind kept chasing my memories through the open windows. what is it that makes us hold on, refusing to let go? as i dive deeper into the yellowness of the flower’s petals, i understood how it is to be a sunflower that is always chasing the sun. the pure yellowness makes it all worth it.

note to self

change dentist

or

don’t attend any high school reunions

its quite disturbing seeing your dentist (and former classmate) outside the clinic

i feel he is visualizing how many filled teeth i have and the tartar he has extracted from my mouth as we reminisce our high school days.

shudder.

i could forget my saddest days tonight

i could forget my saddest days tonight

forget for example, those starless nights
of being alone while the moon shatters in the distance

and the wind blows mercilessly against the empty space beside me.

i could forget my saddest days tonight.
i love you, and will forever be loving you.

through days like this one i hold us in my mind,
i dream again and again of us forever holding hands.

you will love me for all time, and i will love you too,
how can we not love the beginning of a smile.

tonight i can forget my saddest days.
to think that we have each other. to feel that we are together.

to savor the warm day, getting much brighter when we are together.
and the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

what does it matter that the days would have endings.
the night is over and there would still be you and me.

this is all. in the distance someone is singing. in the distance.
my soul is all smiles that we have found forever.

my sight has long envisioned the future that we have together.
my heart has been seeking and now it has fulfilled its wish.

the same day nourishing the same trees.
we, of this time, will always remain the same.

i will always love you, and i will forever be loving you.
my voice tried to express the depths of my feelings.

with me. you will always be with me. like our kisses before.
your voice. your smile. your soulful eyes.

i will always love you, that is certain. and how i will love you.
life is short. our love will be long.

because through days like this one im holding you in my arms
my soul is satisfied that we are together.

though the days will end one after another
these will not be the last verses that we will write together.

the year that was

2009 had been utterly kind to me in ways that i never thought possible.

let me say my thanks to the universe (oha) in showering me with these unexpected blessings:

- thank you for the job where i learned a lot of new things about research and about me. i appreciate how the company understood my limitations and potentials and how it patiently and painstakingly encouraged and trained me in the different areas of my field.

- thank you for the friends who are always there (even though i may sometimes be missing in action) to share laughters, idle time, and dreams with over and over again

- thank you for shine (my dog), who is always ready to wag her tails and offer her butt for spanking whenever i am need of some affection

- thanks mom, you know why

- thank you krista ranillo, hayden kho, and gloria arroyo for making life a little bit more interesting and my life look a lot more perfect

- thank you bpi for the jollibee promo, i was really  able to save a lot for meals by spending a lot for other things i don’t normally need  (hhhmmm)

- thank you UP for the extensions for MRR students

- and thank you elmoo for making me realize the reaon why i love sunflowers, thai food, yellows, double-decked beds, sitting in a park at night, ongpin, takuyakis, and many more other things is because i get to share it with you

thanks a bunch guys!!!

happy new year!!!

happy new year!!!

let us usher the last year of the first decade with a bang!!!

bring out the fireworks!!!

make a lot of noise!!!

and go back to our old life after

that’s the new year for most of us

a day-long celebration of partying, good food, and joyous noises

to be capped off by a year-long immersion of what we whined and complained about in the past year.

happy new year!!!

welcome to 12 more months of possibly the same things of the last 12 months

savor life as intervals of paying bills and meeting deadlines,

of being stuck in traffic,

of those few lucid moments of dreaming (and even planning) for a better existence.

happy new year to all of us!!!

thank you

‘It’s not a breeding ground for romance. It’s love as a verb. Love that will make you more patient, more loyal, and stronger.’

- Emily Giffin

trust

that condom manufacturer sure knows what is important in any relationship (naked or otherwise),

trust.

who would enjoy sex when worries of pregnancy, stds, or the likes are screaming in your head?

you need to trust that accidents would not happen. that potential infections are kept at bay.

that one’s dick is safely cocooned in protective rubber.

its trusting that nothing will happen except bliss. pure bliss.

its really about trust. whether in bed or in love.

after all, is it even possible to love a person you do not trust?

is it even possible to lose yourself over someone when fears and doubts are tugging at you all night?

is it even possible to be happy with another person when thoughts of betrayal, cheating, and lies distract?

gandhi said that love is the prerogative of the brave,

and i believe him.

it takes great courage to jump off that cliff and trust that your love will be waiting to catch you as you fall down.

only the brave can trust despite past experiences that hurt, wounded, and disillusioned them.

only the brave can expose themselves again and again to possible pain amidst the numerous scars that they have earned.

only the brave can say ‘yes, i love you and i will always love you even if love has not been good to me in the past’

only the brave can love.

define love

Ilang beses ko na rin nasagot ang tanong na ‘what is love?’ mula sa di mabilang na slam books na dumaan sa aking buhay, mga walang katapusang usisaan ng mga kaibigan, at sa mga exams ng mga professors na tinamad mag-isip ng bagong bonus questions na itatanong.

At sa di mabilang na pagkakataon ng aking pagsagot ay ang ilang beses na pagbabago ng aking isinasagot.

Grade 2: Love is blind

Grade 5: Love is what makes the world go round

Grade 6: Love conquers all

High school: Love is giving 100% without expecting anything in return

College: Ang pag-ibig ay ang paglilingkod sa sambayanan

7 years ago: Anung pag-ibig? Meron bang ganun?

Ngayon:

Love is staying. Love is being free to go but choosing to stay, and being happy about it. It is getting drenched in the rain, wading in knee-deep flood water, sleeping with a sunflower beside you and waking up early to buy yellow roses.

It is to commit, to understand, and to accept. Love is not blind. It sees all the imperfections and says ‘so what?’. Love is all about hugging tightly. Love is giving but it also means the willingness to accept. To accept mood swings, tantrums, and the occasional rifts. It’s about a dazzling smile.

Love is calm, the storm, and the calm after the storm. It’s the laughter, it’s the tears. It’s going back when everybody else will run away. It’s saying, ‘it’s all right, it’s okay, I am here because you are you’.

Love is not about not getting angry. Love is being angry but still staying. Love is stronger than anger. It’s bigger than all the imperfections summed together. Love is strong. It’s resilience. It’s a survivor.

Love is a sunflower. It’s elmo. It’s sunshine. It’s you.

Medyo humaba ang definition ko ng Love. So in short at para bumagay sa popular one-liner definitions ng Love, summarize ko na lang. Love is you.

end of the line

ever had that feeling of being stuck? of having no options left but to stay, sit, and be still? of having things happen around you while you sit there immobile and helpless?

well im having one right now.

the year is about to end and it seems its not just the year that is ending.

its ironic that for every accomplishments that one makes transform into added baggage that one has to drag wherever one seeks to go.

i miss that time during college when i have finally submitted the last requirement for my graduation, the thesis. i felt a lightening inside of me as the final obligation has been fulfilled. no more tasks to do, no more sleepless nights, no more cramming, no more shoulds.

it feels as if life is wide open right in front of me and i can go everywhere i choose. like a newly discovered continent, life seems to be full of adventure and promise. i can go anywhere, i can do anything.

fast forward a few years and it seems that from that wide open space, i have boxed myself into a corner. fenced myself with the experiences i have obtained and leashed my future to the skills that i have learned.

suddenly, it feels as if the things that i can do are only those things that i know how to do.

and disturbingly i keep catching myself limiting myself. as i glance through the classifieds, as i try to map my life, as i make plans, the boundaries inside my head start to emerge and i find myself entering the cage, closing the door behind me, and locking it. tight.

life has become a one-way, single-lane street.

it feels that i need super human powers to break away from this cage despite the expectations and the obligations.

i am stuck. i sat on a pathetic gum. and i cant fucking move.